JOE IS DYING

By  Alec Vanderboom "I love you". Kata-kata itu suka terlontar begitu saja dari mulut seorang teman. Mereka keluar dengan begitu lantangnya, mengaggetkan pikiran yang tak terbiasa dengan kejujuran emosi dibalik kata-kata itu. Kalau lo kenal gue dalam kehidupan sehari-hari. Kata "I love you" itu gue gunakan hanya pada orang-orang yang beneran gue sayangi. Yes, teman sekalipun. Sering kali, gue katakan itu setelah menertawakan gelagat mereka yang lucu, atau setelah merasakan kehangatan yang jauh dari tingkat normal. Biasanya, kalimatnya jadi terdengar seperti ini, "Bahahaha! I love you guys" atau, "Ah, you guys are tha bomb. I love youuuh!" Dari sana lo bakal langsung tau kalau kalimat "i love you" gue, nggak punya arti romantis atau perasaan yang mendalam, menyelami sukma. Nggak. Maksudnya adalah, gue bener-bener hepi, blessed, honored bisa punya temen-temen kaya mereka. Ada loh, waktu-waktu saat kalimat itu nggak bisa gue lafal...

Pas mau jalan balik ke kantor abis makan siang, Opa manggil gua, ngajak gua ngobrol sendirian. Opa adalah salah satu pendoa di IFGF, dan yah.. gua anggep Opa gua sendiri. Yang selalu ngasih celotehan caring, advice-advice yang sesuai firman, ya itulah si Opa Tatang. Dia bilang sama gue, "Johanna, kamu doa ya sama Tuhan. Kamu dikasih banyak sekali karunia, dan Tuhan mau pake itu. Makanya, kamu rajinin berdoa dan Tuhan akan tunjukin arah ke kamu." Ini kali keduanya Opa ngomong dan doain gua tentang ini. So pasti, hati gue langsung luluh, dan juga bingung. Karena, sekarang aja gue udah merasa di potong-potong, di tarik sana-sini buat memenuhi macem-macem permintaan. Seneng sih, cuma terkuras banget energi gue, cuy. Gue bilang ke Opa kalau gue bakal doa dan seriusin doa-nya, terus gue curcol, "Bingung Opa... Aku banyak maunya!" Sanking banyaknya sampe ngelakuin semuanya. Dan Opa seperti biasa menepuk-nepuk pundak gue dan ingetin gue untuk berdoa lagi. Okey, ...

Gua memasuki lorong LO-FI Films Gua baru keinget.. Weekend kemarin, gua berkesempatan buat masuk ke sesi interview untuk a scriptwriting mentorship with Joko Anwar, seorang sutradara Indonesia yang udah menghasilkan karya klasik di hidup gua kaya Janji Joni, dan karya-karya populer kaya: Arisan!, Quickie Express, Forbiden Door, and Modus Anomali. Gua denger berita tentang ini seminggu sebelumnya. Tadinya, gua kira gua udah ngak masuk seleksi. Secara, skenario yang gua kirim cuma halaman pertama, ceritanya dari film yang gua tawarin juga belum bener-bener complete, terus essay-essay kecil gua juga terkesan sangat personal, nyantai dan apa adanya. Gua ngak berharap banyak sih, walaupun pas berdoa gua cuma bilang sama Tuhan, "God, I would love the chance.. But do as you will." (Ngak tau itu iman versi apah..) Eniwei, di sabtu pagi itu, gua bangun dengan kebiasaan yang sama. Buka HP, ngecek path, ngecek insta, ngecek twitter. Lalu ditengah "kesibukan" superflo...

Photo from: http://collinhughes.tumblr.com/ Remember this "Thing" that I mentioned? Tentang search gua mencari visi hidup, atau at least a career path. Nah, gua udah sering banget baca buku tentang "calling", blog posts tentang "jalan hidup", article majalah tentang "visi". Banyak yang suruh gua nulis my 5 year plan, ada yang suruh gua look deep into my heart, ada yang tanya "what makes you righteously angry?" dan yang terakhir untuk duduk, berdoa dan berserah aja sama Tuhan. Mungkin step-step ini bekerja buat beberapa orang, tapi gua... Gua inget, pas jaman2 gua baca buku "Purpose Driven Life," gua sempet berdoa biar Tuhan ilangin semua "mimpi-mimpiku" karena aku cuma mau ngikutin purposenya dia. Alhasil, di umur 24 ini, gua sulit untuk meliat ke hati gua, dan nge-check apa sih yang gua mau, apa sih passion gua . Karena to be honest, gua passionate about so many things, and I am good at pursuing them too. Ho...

When I think about death, it made me wonder: yeah, kenapa sih kita begitu takut dengan kematian? Gua belum pernah hampir mati, jadi pikiran gua belum pernah sampe sana. Tapi, coba kalau kita bayangkan bareng-bareng.. coba tutup mata kamu dan pikirin. Apa yang akan terlintas di otak kamu kalau kamu tau, dalam satu menit kamu akan mati? Here is my list of thoughts: 1. Have I done enough? 2. Masih banyak kekurangan dalam hidup gua.. gua belum perfect. 3. Will it hurt? 4. What's my family to do..? 5. Let's see.. Kalau kamu, apa list pikiranmu? Personally, gua ngerasa kalau kerjaan gua di bumi belum memadai, gua belum melakukan "my purpose" disini -- apapun itu. Perasaan "belum perfect" itu menunjukan kalau gua selalu mencoba meraih sesuatu, meraih gol emas kesempurnaan. Mungkin kesempuranaan sebagai "orang baik" atau "penuh jasa untuk generasi mendatang." Apapun itu lah.. Lalu, ada quote ini yang gua temuin: "It was sin ...

It is 30 Minutes before the passing of 2013. I've just welcomed my parents back from a surprise dinner-date at Cacaote, which I planned perfectly. The 2013 blog posts has been re-read, and now I'm ready with the 7 things I learn this year: 1. Stop doing , more being . It is a well known tale that Johanna is a doer. She does everything, the tackles every project, she can't stay put. But early this year, with stress weighing down her shoulders, and worries increasing her heart beat rate, she realized that she had too much on her plate and must stop. Stop and smell the roses. By that I mean, I learn to take my time and enjoy the doing. This process is something I must learn to enjoy. 2. What's important is not the jar, but the water within. Outer appearance matters little when compared to the contents I carry within me. Like, my emotional stability, my joy and peace, my thoughts and pursuits, my characters. They matter more than my biceps. Even when I realize th...

Today I had the rare experience to quietly sit in a coffee shop, read a good book and enjoy some quality thinking time. The Visionering book given to me at Catalyst Conference was finally reaching its last chapters. I've been very cautious about reading each chapters because I do not want to get in on a "vision" based on rash judgement. But being in Jakarta made me aware of how important is leading a life purposefully, driven by a God given vision. I can say that mine is still quite on the abstract, obvious side. See, last year Rob asked me the question, and I can only come up with "I want to help people." How do I plan on doing that was still quite gray. This year, the same question pops up around the second month of working at church. Not from anyone, but from myself. I asked if this is it. Serving at church as a job. While my mother said that I could've done so much more, I know God has a plan to prepare me for greatness through the role I'm current...

We are here again, lads and gents, a path of choice. For the last couple of weeks my mind has been filled with "the future". The urgency to make adult decisions is pulling my brows closer to each other by the minute. I can't say it's been fun being an adult, however long it has been. But I can say it's better than being pressured by other adults to be where they think I should be. That's one reason why I'd rather sort this "adulthood" out on my own (with God). Last saturday, Jesslyn broke the news that we'd have to separate ways. Julia, Dania, Devi and I had seen this coming. She's going to live with her family, and we're all for that. I guess it's for the best that the news wasn't only meant for the house's sake, but it's also for our lives. Jesslyn said GNH is our comfort zone. We tend to close one eye to growth when we're already so content with where we're at. So with all the courage Jess can sum, s...

"The first person to be filled with the Holy Spirit for a task in the Bible was not commissioned to lead a battle or to prophesy over Israel. Bezalel (ever heard of him?) was filled with the Spirit to build stuff. To make art. To carve, mold and weave. He was the guy God commissioned to build the tabernacle and its accoutrements (Exodus 31.1-5). Spirit-anointing does not always propel us into radical action. Instead we may find ourselves entrusted with tedious, meticulous handiwork that feels ... well, boring. " read more at: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/

Psalms 19: 8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. You don't usually connect the word "precepts"or instruction or direction with "joy", or commands with "light to the eyes" or inspiration, drive, or enthusiasm. These aren't mere errors that King David - the poet, made. If he had known anything about God, these things that he was writing has got to be true. We usually connected "commands" with rules that robots have to do. 'your wish is my command' kind of thing. But, God's commands and precepts are different from the world's. They are inspiring, enthusiastic, joyful and peaceful. Because if you know God, and you've felt his Love and his never ending waves of Forgiveness that he gave, His commands are your wish . Not because you're a robot, but because the amount of love he gave to you made you unable to say no. when you lo...

To really enjoy God's words more than daily food, was what Job said. Not only he remembers them, he treasures them. Despite how life was treating Job (shameful sickness, death of all of his family, sudden loss of financial investments, sudden loss of friends) he keeps saying that God knows what he is doing, and even if he comes with his arguments and questions to what makes God allows so much sadness into his life, the thought of it still terrifies him. Cause he knows, God is the God Almighty. Who is the creation to talk back to the creator, why do you make me this way? Still, Job never turns back from God and he kept his hopes in God who had always guided him, and blessed him. 13 "But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? He does whatever he pleases. 14 He carries out his decree against me, and many such plans he still has in store. 15 That is why I am terrified before him; when I think of all this, I fear him. 16 God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified...

"God takes the junk of our lives, and he makes the greatest art in the world out of it. and if He was as cultured, and civilized as most christians people wish he was, you'd be useless to christianity. But god is a wild man." - Rich Mullins So wild that He could love you despite the most unpleasant things you did.

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K." -- found in pastor sammy's blog about an 8 year old thoughts on God.

I remember, the moment i walked out of the SIFF opening that night, happily confused - unable to take all the emotions in. I was and still am extremely grateful that i had the chance to have my video screened once every 3 movies. But i honestly have to say that it wasn't my good works that put it in there, it's an unspeakable kindness that was given to open my eyes to this: that i do not want to spend my entire life making pretty things, making people happy, and gaining recognition. that would be nice, but i think life asks for so much more than that. and so, i want to be a good worker for an eternal cause, making use these things God has given me. whatever that occupation might be. ps: there's mosquitoes in my room. i wonder why.

went to another retreat @ warm beach which was awesome. the message just hit me hard tonight - 2 days after the preached time: That God created us all with a beautiful purpose in time, the problem is do you see yourself like god sees you? in order to do the things He made you for, don't you need to have the sweet, humble, Godly perspective of your life and the things surrounding you? Just know that the God who started the good work in you will never stop working in you, till he comes back and get you. Just let him lead and shape you, and you will never grew tired of having a bigger heart that loves Him and the world. yeah, it does take a long time for things to go into my heart, huh? but im glad it did, and i pray it'll stay. feel loved even more now. btw, if you're wondering abt my scholarship story: 1. went to school at 10 and printed things out at 11.55 - five minutes before what i thought was the deadline time. 2. figured out from Heather that the due time was at 5 3. t...

For giving me the best, for being so patient with this selfish, doubtful, almost two-minded girl of yours, for choosing me despite all that, and still loving me, for making the last 19 years of my life worth living for always being there when needed and even so when i thought i didn't need you for guiding me and loving me for keeping me on track and cheering me on for rebuking me and yet again, being so patient, forgiving me for holding me when i feel worthless for smiling when i said all these for saying that you love me more than i could ever, ever , imagine for creating me so fearfully and wonderfully... oh, Lord, for being who you've always been for being the same Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. thank you, thank you for bringing me into your family since the very beginning... for dying on the cross for me and for working in me like never before. i couldn't get enough of you, father. i need you more and more. you are, surely, better than drugs. i love you, jesus. On the ...

Did i ever post this picture? Taken at Bellevue Square - after a little midnight movie: Valkerie. For the last one or two weeks i've bee busy designing invitations and favors for two events; my friend's bridal shower and the International Festival. It amazes me how people trusted this rookie designer. and im glad they did, because god really equipped me for those projects. i hope he kept on working in this girl's hand and head so that through the little things i did, his awesomeness will more than ever be revealed. my life is not my own. I thank you, Father, for loving me and choosing me to work on your land. Humble me down, never let me forget. ps: i love my parents. im texting them right now.

i know you're with me every single breath tells me i am loved luckily hand picked fearfully and wonderfully made blessed though i know not the things before me nor the things we've overcame one thing i know and this i know full and well that with you along with you life will mean more than just for me i love you i adore you blessed am i for in you i long to dwell forever till we meet dear, lord I Remember Clifford - Gonzalo Rubalcaba

Here are some reasons that kept me moving from time to time: 1. Remembering the great things God has made in my life, and knowing that better things are yet to come. 2. Being and having friends without any means of practical benefits. 3. The little funny things i could find around me, and how i was there to witness that scene. It's like life is giving me a reason to take things all in. 4. Time and time again, remembering the impossible things that was made possible, always got me in wonder. That this life is not my own, there's something bigger out there totally "looking out for me" -quoted from Marlon. Back to my point, i think God is really amazing. Despite the situation and the craziness of life, He's there to show His never ending promise to keep you alive and well. Again, despite how bad your situation is --that situation might change in a moment's notice. You just wait (the wait could get tedious, but don't give up) and see (then rejoice and never fo...

got it. $1000. Thank You GOD!! Love love love You Lord. off to do my presentation now. will never stop praising you. my #1.