JOE IS DYING

It's been 3 weeks since I first stepped back on the motherland. I had some time to adjust to its damp climate, reccaliberate my body clock to the hours, and regained my local speaking abilities. It felt rather comfortable here in Jakarta. My life doesn't rest on my tiny, fragile shoulders alone - rather shared among the family. I could relax a bit more out here. Let go of the constant caution or alertness I have in the 206. It's the fending for myself mentality, I guess, that wears off there. Despite the similar responsibility of getting a job, and eventually succeeding in life, I feel saver here. Or, I can feel a bigger opportunity awaits me, here. I can't tell. But it's been 3 weeks, and it's been good.

Starting to pack. Obviously, the rain does not help, nor the Jack Johnson playing in the background. Wish me luck, I've shed enough tears pre-packing, today.

About 15 minutes ago I started writing for my fiction blog again. I found an oldie that doesn't belong in a fiction blog. I wrote it in 11/23/11 at 12:12 AM, when I was struggling with the passing of my beloved Grandmother, Oma Mia. So, without the mask of "fiction writing," I decided to post this to share to everyone on how I felt back then. This is about coming to terms with loss, and to letting go of sorrow. I didn't have much time to think when the truck hits you fast, you couldn't even blink the d would still be in process while spelling god the other end of the line wanted me to speak to be strong for the sad but encouragement was much needed vice versa i had time to think about this, now about loss and distances i didn't have a proper space to mourn not a soul to tell my sadness to not even talking to live video feed could help me with that i don't know how long my mother took to let go and let live seven months were clearly not enou...

2 Lines that's my limit. 2 lines of sentences, of words, of wonderings, 2 lines of questions that lambasted my integrity, or my well-meant actions. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your two lines. It makes me wonder if we haven't clear some things out. Haven't we? What hard feelings do I hold against you? Cause I don't want to have any buttons on me. Especially not the pissy button you so easily pressed with your two lines. I hope you will just call me the next time you want to have a conversation or get some clarification from me. Cause your 2 lines, when I read them, are annoying at best. Ok. Curcol pasif-agresif selesai. Nampaknya gua makin transparan di blog ini. Selamat buat gua. On a lighter note, now I know 2 drinks that I won't drink again: Bloody Marry and Margarita. Yeap, disgusting craps.

I've went through maybe 6-8 blogs through out the course of my life. This by far is my most written, and longest blog i've kept. God knows all the things I've put in here. It's kinda the place where you can read through my though process, take a glimpse of what has caught my interests lately. All in all, this is a good zone. A great joe zone. I can't tell you what's going to happen in the next 30 days. I know where I'll be, but I won't know what I will be feeling and what I will care or not care about. But today, I cared about watching Breaking Bad. I am stressed out on closing my projects (a couple video projects, an app design project, a church ministry thing), I'm at loss with my packing for Indo (haven't even started), love life is a big zero (let's just put it out there), I have got no clue on career or anything like that. Imagine looking back to my life later on 10 years from now- what would I say? I imagine saying, "that w...

Jujur, gua punya satu kelemahan yang bisa jadi pembunuh hidup gua. Tempat Tidur. Asli, nga pandang besar-kecilnya, atau keras-empuknya, tempat tidur tuh tempat gua berbuat onar. Alasan males ke sekolah pas kuliah, alasan malas keluar pas liburan, alasan nga makan pas laper. Susahnya lagi, kalau gua ulet2an stay in bed for another 2 hours, pikiran gua bakal melayang dan tubuh gua pun suka ikut melayang. Bayangin ada di dunia peri selama 2 jam: nga bonafit banget. Emang disiplin gua super kecil. Keterlaluan kecilnya, lebih kecil dari remahan roti bakar yang jatuh dari mulut orang obesitas. Kemarin gua berhasil keluar dari tempat tidur sebelum kicauan burung-burung mulai mengelilingi pikiran gua. Hasilnya, hari yang lumayan produktif. Sempet kerja, sempet jalan2, sempet pergi First Thursday Art Walk. Hari ini, lain ceritanya. Mendung2 jam 12, gua bangun dari tidur yang baru mulai 6 jam sebelumnya. Satu jam pertama ulet2 taik ayam, jam ke dua lebah2 mulai menyengat, jam ke 3 gua l...

So, word is out that I'm going home. There are a lot of questions of "why" and lots of "don't go's". But today at CG, Mr.B said "jo, gua ngerasa kaya kehilangan kakak cewe gitu.. nga keliatan sih, tp deep down inside." I don't care if that's a joke or whatever, huaaaaaa gua bakal QT sama dia fo sho. >___< I'll miss my kids.

Gw lagi mikirin lagi sebuah ide yg gua dapet pas tahun ke-3 di kuliah. Tentang anak muda Indo, tentang politik, tentang presidental voting. If I wanna get serious in this, I better start doing my research and getting acquainted again with my country. Is this it, or just do it?

So, I'm currently reading a very interesting, if not heart breaking, article from UK's Independent on Dubai and it's double-realities. I found the content both alarming, and reminiscent of tragedies from ages ago. The article were broken into parts according to the people connected to the issues mentioned. Below you'll find what I think about some of those parts: on part IV - it took years to break out of the caste system: slaves, workers, bourgeois, and the royalties. You might think that every modern societies need to overcome such situations immediately - I mean, isn't that  "slavery system" so late 18th, early 19th century industrial revolution? We're living in the 21st century, now. We gotta think of better ways to progress than that. Oh, come on. Pyramids were built by slaves, just the same way as european industrial revolution were the sweat of child labors and underpaid villagers. American fanciness were also built by underclass immigra...

http://www.behance.net/MikkoLagerstedt When I went into my room tonight, I was overcame by the shrill heaviness of my heart. If I were to leave this town today, I wouldn't be very proud of how far I have gone. There are still holes around me that I want to fix, and there will be holes I make if I were to leave. For now I know I have responsibilities to uphold. I am not perfect, but I will not let that be a reason for not trying. There is a need to be met, and it takes a fully functioning Johanna to do it - or at least gather enough people to work together. I want to make myself remember that I am not alone in this world. I am not a lone fighter of wrongs, nor am I any sorts of fighter. May God's strength carry me over, move me forward, and filled me to the brim. Stay with me holy spirit, encourage my wallowing heart.

I've been eating too much these days. Too much, and not often enough. I would find myself shoving down food for dinner after being left starving for the whole day. Then around 2AM be wide awake because of the hard-working digestive system. Like right now. My bod is not with my brain. My stomach is definitely sagging lower and lower. Why do I have to eat too much.. *rubs belly to the floor*

Listening to B talking about opacity and computers and monitors makes me smile. This guy is one hell of a genius, in a very likable but cynical way. I just wich dia lebih sering mandi (jahat). One of our quotes about good weathers in Seattle: B: I don't know why people like the sun more than the moon. Give the moon some love. J: Well, the moon don't shine. It only reflects the light from the sun. The sun shines. B: The moon shines, the sun blinds!

In less than 2 months, I'll be turning 23. I have not keep an eye out for my birthday since I was 10. Why am I anticipating my turning 23? Partly because a couple of days before that would be the end of my american work permit. I would have a 60 day grace period to pack my bags and leave. So, I fully intend to make my possibly last chapter in Seattle (or America) a good one. Writing "last chapter" feels like a strong closed gate, but it's not. It's just the end of a season in my life. I want to start listing down the things I've learned in this city. If I'm lucky, I'll get to list #23 when I turned 23. So, let's start. 1. Be welcoming. Say "Hi," smile, speak your mind, be funny, get stupid, don't be afraid to show it. Be welcoming to people, and their responds . If there's any culture shock that I've gone through, it would be the friendliness of most Seattleites. I was smiled to by people I don't even know, and it...

When brain is clogged with unhealthy things, make sure to cram in the right stuff. Currently listening to the right stuff . You should too.

Ci ansella hari ini tanya gua, "apa kabar?" And i shook my hands like.. 'comme ci, comme ça'. But she replied, "that's not the answer! Shake it off, girl!" i was surprised at her reply, but soon agreed that i had to stop dwelling in my feelings and let the spirit of god take over. So i shook my body and soon regain the joy. Shake it OFF! Dont quit! Dont whine. Shake it off!

There's this one step you gotta take, the scariest step of all, before moving forward. It is to look backwards, to dig deep into your heart, and see what has happened. This step is as raw as it is crucial.  For me, it was coming to terms with my fears. To see back into my closed/hidden hole, and realize that I had to take myself out of the hole. By that I meant, letting myself be weak and raw before God. Tell Him that I'm broken, and without hope, unless it comes from the higher ups. The rest of the night was wet with tears, and cracks of my broken parts were all over my journal. Then, healing, trust, and re-learnings comes after. Today, I am better. I could apply to jobs with easiness, because I trust in the worth that God gave me (not from my work, nor people's compliments).  Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

I have to say, they were right. My parents. I just got out of 2 meetings for 2 new freelance gigs that I've said yes to. You know I can't say no.. to a lot of things. Much to my surprise, my parents called me an hour after the meeting ends. My mom went through a long speech about focus. My dad about doing everything to stay in the states. Basically they both said to quiet down, don't take the jobs, and just focus on getting the one job. Money is their part. My part is to get the H1. Right now, my head is spinning hard and my heart is beating around. My stomach is in my face, and my face is on my butt. Really. I can't say anything right now. I have to process this before the afternoon ends, and my next appointment begins. Alright, Goodbye.

I gotta say this, I gotta say this before it doesn't seem like a miracle anymore. Pre GC Conference 2013, I was at a rough moment in life. No work for 2 months, no reply to any of my job search, big indecisiveness towards staffing agencies, and a long line of projects held up due to the stress. I was struggling with life long questions "am I good enough?" and "should I have done more?" I was at the end of my wits, trying to balance life+work+church. I saw my no-work period in a brighter light, this way.. it is a chance for me to figure things out at church. With much time freedom (though still with the no-work stress), I got my feet soaked in the video ministry. It was a huge, new thing for me. I mean, there I was, less than a year of experience, and somebody expected me to mentor non-video majors, plus on top of that, manage 2 teams of creatives to do what I usually do with 2 other people at the most. God's great. He showed himself able when I am clearl...

I'm reading this This rant below has nothing to do with my reading. I found the writing to be hopeful and insightful. Go Gen-Y! Now, off to the rant. I get really frustrated with clients asking for faster production, when time is needed to achieve a great end result. Especially, when we do this after the fact that most of us has school and work to do too. The previous sentence is not an excuse, the previous sentence is a given condition. We came to the ministry knowing fully that we'd have to balance work with church (yes, i'm ranting about church stuff). We want to give our best in both, and so the later has to know how far to push before it gets out of bounds. I wanted to keep my team sane. I wanted them to be creatively fulfilled, creatively pushed, but beyond all, creatively fresh. Pushing our limits = minimizing creativity and excellence to reach due dates. and this is NOT my philosophy. I believe, if you want to work with me and my team, you do it right. You ...

I am really getting out of my wits here. Video jobs, where are you? I realize that every time I went job searching, my stress level would immediately increase. Not knowing what I should do, I ran up and down the stairs 10x to get the intense energy out. To no avail, sadly. This fear of not measuring up just kept hitting me in the face. Yesterday I went to GC for a little God Break (by God break i mean, a breathing time with God). I decided that I was just going to 'receive' anything He's going to speak through the preacher that night. And BAM! He was talking about David and his journey to being a king. David was anointed when he was still a young'in.  He waited for years before he finally crowned, that too was with a lot of adversaries coming from all sides. Still, there was a "cause" for all the things that happens in his life. His waiting time prepped him to be a worshipper, his goliath battle prepped him to be a warrior, his time by the king prepped...