JOE IS DYING

Shut up. I'm short fused, and sleep deprived. So, let me rant, let me mistreat some people that I love, miss a skype phone call, skip toner and moisturizer, and write a rant on my blog. Why do I have to work on Saturday? Oh yes, because I love my job, the people I work with, and I love helping people in need. Listen, there's no sarcasm in the previous sentence. or in that one. Now let me add in some rest into this panda eyed face, and return to my normal sugar sweetness tomorrow. For fuck's sake, I need a break from this ruined city. I hate traffic jam, I hate the view, I hate a lot of things. Damn it. Get me out of this city!!! That's it. That was my rant. Good night. I'm hitting the sheets.

When work and heart collides, that's a thing to be aware of. Work runs for profit. Heart runs for righteousness. Where do I have to stand now, when all I hear is the crookedness of the work that the heart started. I am both confused and torn. I can only look up, and somehow believe that God is using us for His glory.

Face it, gokil abis title gua, bro. Parah nga sih, kalau gua bilang bahwa gua nga tau hidup ini mau gua bawa kemana? Layaknya mencari cinta, hati yang satu ini tidak bisa menentuka pilihan - karena dia nga pernah membuat pilihan itu ada. Kalau dalam masalah cinta, pada saat ada pilihan, dan hatinya berkata tidak, perempuan ini akan dengan sigap dan tangkas akan pergi menjauh dari si lelaki yang tak diingini. Namun dalam hal pekerjaan, si perempuan tidak tahu harus bersikap apa. Masa ditolak, setelah berbulan-bulan nga dapet gaji tetap? Yang bikin perempuan ini marah adalah pertanyaan sang ibunda (yang sangat dikasihi) tentang, "Apa alasanmu untuk decline this offer?" Karena, perempuan ini sudah menghabiskan waktu 3 hari 2 malam, untuk menenangkan diri demi mau melangkah maju untuk menerima "pinangan" yang sebenarnya masih diragukan juga. Saat pertanyaan seperti itu dilontarkan, jelas si perempuan merasa, pilihannya untuk menelan pil pahit seakan-akan tidak ada a...

There's this thing that i've noticed being predominantly used in Indonesian text. Not formally, only colloquially. It is the "...?" used after a question, rather than a direct question mark. I assume that it is used to soften the tone of the question. You know, for politeness sake. For example, "Are you alright...?" seems to sound softer in comparison to the straight forward, "Are you alright?" That hesitant pause before the question mark gives a less threatening air, as if it gives you more space to let out an honest answer. I don't get it. Or do I...?

-- Now, for another topic away from myself.. I was browsing though Hendra Gunawan's paintings online when I spotted something that isn't quite the colorful, flowy figured women of Hendra. The image was mostly black with confident strokes of highlights making up harsh lighted forms of 3 surgeons, surrounded by a number of nuns and scholarly men (if not the parliament) focused on a man's laid body. I thought to myself, I've never seen something so contemporary, so striking, and so filled with multinational references, coming out of an Indonesian artist -- even when this was my first time trying to look up indonesian art. So, there I was, intrigued by a new complex name; Ariadhitya Pramuhendra. What a javanese, arian name, I thought to myself. As further research shows, this guy graduated from ITB's printmaking major in 2007. A 29 year old young artist with a global caliber. Honored with "Artist of the Year- 2011" by  Soemardja Art Award , an honorable me...

It's been 3 weeks since I first stepped back on the motherland. I had some time to adjust to its damp climate, reccaliberate my body clock to the hours, and regained my local speaking abilities. It felt rather comfortable here in Jakarta. My life doesn't rest on my tiny, fragile shoulders alone - rather shared among the family. I could relax a bit more out here. Let go of the constant caution or alertness I have in the 206. It's the fending for myself mentality, I guess, that wears off there. Despite the similar responsibility of getting a job, and eventually succeeding in life, I feel saver here. Or, I can feel a bigger opportunity awaits me, here. I can't tell. But it's been 3 weeks, and it's been good.

Starting to pack. Obviously, the rain does not help, nor the Jack Johnson playing in the background. Wish me luck, I've shed enough tears pre-packing, today.

About 15 minutes ago I started writing for my fiction blog again. I found an oldie that doesn't belong in a fiction blog. I wrote it in 11/23/11 at 12:12 AM, when I was struggling with the passing of my beloved Grandmother, Oma Mia. So, without the mask of "fiction writing," I decided to post this to share to everyone on how I felt back then. This is about coming to terms with loss, and to letting go of sorrow. I didn't have much time to think when the truck hits you fast, you couldn't even blink the d would still be in process while spelling god the other end of the line wanted me to speak to be strong for the sad but encouragement was much needed vice versa i had time to think about this, now about loss and distances i didn't have a proper space to mourn not a soul to tell my sadness to not even talking to live video feed could help me with that i don't know how long my mother took to let go and let live seven months were clearly not enou...

2 Lines that's my limit. 2 lines of sentences, of words, of wonderings, 2 lines of questions that lambasted my integrity, or my well-meant actions. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your two lines. It makes me wonder if we haven't clear some things out. Haven't we? What hard feelings do I hold against you? Cause I don't want to have any buttons on me. Especially not the pissy button you so easily pressed with your two lines. I hope you will just call me the next time you want to have a conversation or get some clarification from me. Cause your 2 lines, when I read them, are annoying at best. Ok. Curcol pasif-agresif selesai. Nampaknya gua makin transparan di blog ini. Selamat buat gua. On a lighter note, now I know 2 drinks that I won't drink again: Bloody Marry and Margarita. Yeap, disgusting craps.

I've went through maybe 6-8 blogs through out the course of my life. This by far is my most written, and longest blog i've kept. God knows all the things I've put in here. It's kinda the place where you can read through my though process, take a glimpse of what has caught my interests lately. All in all, this is a good zone. A great joe zone. I can't tell you what's going to happen in the next 30 days. I know where I'll be, but I won't know what I will be feeling and what I will care or not care about. But today, I cared about watching Breaking Bad. I am stressed out on closing my projects (a couple video projects, an app design project, a church ministry thing), I'm at loss with my packing for Indo (haven't even started), love life is a big zero (let's just put it out there), I have got no clue on career or anything like that. Imagine looking back to my life later on 10 years from now- what would I say? I imagine saying, "that w...

Jujur, gua punya satu kelemahan yang bisa jadi pembunuh hidup gua. Tempat Tidur. Asli, nga pandang besar-kecilnya, atau keras-empuknya, tempat tidur tuh tempat gua berbuat onar. Alasan males ke sekolah pas kuliah, alasan malas keluar pas liburan, alasan nga makan pas laper. Susahnya lagi, kalau gua ulet2an stay in bed for another 2 hours, pikiran gua bakal melayang dan tubuh gua pun suka ikut melayang. Bayangin ada di dunia peri selama 2 jam: nga bonafit banget. Emang disiplin gua super kecil. Keterlaluan kecilnya, lebih kecil dari remahan roti bakar yang jatuh dari mulut orang obesitas. Kemarin gua berhasil keluar dari tempat tidur sebelum kicauan burung-burung mulai mengelilingi pikiran gua. Hasilnya, hari yang lumayan produktif. Sempet kerja, sempet jalan2, sempet pergi First Thursday Art Walk. Hari ini, lain ceritanya. Mendung2 jam 12, gua bangun dari tidur yang baru mulai 6 jam sebelumnya. Satu jam pertama ulet2 taik ayam, jam ke dua lebah2 mulai menyengat, jam ke 3 gua l...

So, word is out that I'm going home. There are a lot of questions of "why" and lots of "don't go's". But today at CG, Mr.B said "jo, gua ngerasa kaya kehilangan kakak cewe gitu.. nga keliatan sih, tp deep down inside." I don't care if that's a joke or whatever, huaaaaaa gua bakal QT sama dia fo sho. >___< I'll miss my kids.

Gw lagi mikirin lagi sebuah ide yg gua dapet pas tahun ke-3 di kuliah. Tentang anak muda Indo, tentang politik, tentang presidental voting. If I wanna get serious in this, I better start doing my research and getting acquainted again with my country. Is this it, or just do it?

So, I'm currently reading a very interesting, if not heart breaking, article from UK's Independent on Dubai and it's double-realities. I found the content both alarming, and reminiscent of tragedies from ages ago. The article were broken into parts according to the people connected to the issues mentioned. Below you'll find what I think about some of those parts: on part IV - it took years to break out of the caste system: slaves, workers, bourgeois, and the royalties. You might think that every modern societies need to overcome such situations immediately - I mean, isn't that  "slavery system" so late 18th, early 19th century industrial revolution? We're living in the 21st century, now. We gotta think of better ways to progress than that. Oh, come on. Pyramids were built by slaves, just the same way as european industrial revolution were the sweat of child labors and underpaid villagers. American fanciness were also built by underclass immigra...

http://www.behance.net/MikkoLagerstedt When I went into my room tonight, I was overcame by the shrill heaviness of my heart. If I were to leave this town today, I wouldn't be very proud of how far I have gone. There are still holes around me that I want to fix, and there will be holes I make if I were to leave. For now I know I have responsibilities to uphold. I am not perfect, but I will not let that be a reason for not trying. There is a need to be met, and it takes a fully functioning Johanna to do it - or at least gather enough people to work together. I want to make myself remember that I am not alone in this world. I am not a lone fighter of wrongs, nor am I any sorts of fighter. May God's strength carry me over, move me forward, and filled me to the brim. Stay with me holy spirit, encourage my wallowing heart.

I've been eating too much these days. Too much, and not often enough. I would find myself shoving down food for dinner after being left starving for the whole day. Then around 2AM be wide awake because of the hard-working digestive system. Like right now. My bod is not with my brain. My stomach is definitely sagging lower and lower. Why do I have to eat too much.. *rubs belly to the floor*

Listening to B talking about opacity and computers and monitors makes me smile. This guy is one hell of a genius, in a very likable but cynical way. I just wich dia lebih sering mandi (jahat). One of our quotes about good weathers in Seattle: B: I don't know why people like the sun more than the moon. Give the moon some love. J: Well, the moon don't shine. It only reflects the light from the sun. The sun shines. B: The moon shines, the sun blinds!

In less than 2 months, I'll be turning 23. I have not keep an eye out for my birthday since I was 10. Why am I anticipating my turning 23? Partly because a couple of days before that would be the end of my american work permit. I would have a 60 day grace period to pack my bags and leave. So, I fully intend to make my possibly last chapter in Seattle (or America) a good one. Writing "last chapter" feels like a strong closed gate, but it's not. It's just the end of a season in my life. I want to start listing down the things I've learned in this city. If I'm lucky, I'll get to list #23 when I turned 23. So, let's start. 1. Be welcoming. Say "Hi," smile, speak your mind, be funny, get stupid, don't be afraid to show it. Be welcoming to people, and their responds . If there's any culture shock that I've gone through, it would be the friendliness of most Seattleites. I was smiled to by people I don't even know, and it...

When brain is clogged with unhealthy things, make sure to cram in the right stuff. Currently listening to the right stuff . You should too.

Ci ansella hari ini tanya gua, "apa kabar?" And i shook my hands like.. 'comme ci, comme ça'. But she replied, "that's not the answer! Shake it off, girl!" i was surprised at her reply, but soon agreed that i had to stop dwelling in my feelings and let the spirit of god take over. So i shook my body and soon regain the joy. Shake it OFF! Dont quit! Dont whine. Shake it off!