JOE IS DYING

Days like these don't come often. I had to resist the lure to romanticize it, but I know I will fail. So, why not push the romanticism envelope even further - further than the truth? Pardon me if the words you're about to read will trigger acidic reactions down under. Last night, I went to my first Indo wedding of someone I actually care for. The groom is a friend from the states, much older than I am, had been in this relationship for a couple years short to a decade. His reception was definitely a romantic's dream: pink-purple lights against white sakura trees, food to feed a few hundred mouths, a full jazz band (4 trumpets, 4 violinists, etc etc). It was simpler than other richies' weddings, but one thing that was most evident from the event: The groom's joy. He was beaming. He was vocal. He was bopping and snapping his fingers, walking to the stage! The sweet but reserved Ko Jul is overjoyed! From the stage he pointed at us, tiny group of Seattle-lites, ...

Early July this year, I packed my life into 2 suitcases and moved back to Jakarta. On the way home, I spent a night in Tokyo, a city I've always wanted to see. I didn't have much time, so I scheduled all the things I wanted to do, down to the minutes. But of course, that did not happen. In the midst of awe to the new topography, and the obvious language challenge, I abandoned all plans and stick to 2: Get a good ramen, and walk around Shibuya. So, I did that and some.. Note to travelling alone: Get acquainted with the language. My first sentence (and I'm quite proud about this) was "Sumimasen, information wa doko desuka?" to an elderly, kind looking lady at the Eapoto (It's Airport, show off). Then my possible third sentence was an unclear plea of "Do I just slide the tickets in for ___ station? Do I even have the right ticket?" which came out as, "Ano.. ticketo wa?" then some furious wagging of hands around the ticket counter...

Oh Yes! Following my Nov 5 disappointment log.. Here's a break of fresh air. I finally got a chance to go to visit Pulau Seribu with my Gurl: Devi. I didn't pay a lot of attention to taking pictures, despite the many that was posted on Instagram (check: Tresdivine ). My SLR was quite forgotten for a good chunk of Day 2 and 3. Mind you, I am not a photographer. I am a videographer. So, being left without a motion capturing device was pretty disabling for me. Sad. Nonetheless, below are some of the eye candies I get to capture and experience. Overall the break had successfully swim tan me. Now, I got a massive black X across my back, thus my sincere farewell to strapless dress for now. Additionally a definite black forehead. Sexy stuff, I must confess. The time was spent mostly snorkeling (which was the best decision ever) and adventuring around the island; kayaking, hiking, swimming and spending time with the locals. I wish I had pics of Mas Miki, Mba Roh, Pak Guide (his rea...

I know, I know. As bad as this might sound, I am playing with fire. I won't tell you what kind of fire I'm starting up, but I know it's not going to lead me to a good place. The fire is the warm and mischievous kind, the one that makes you smile and play along. One day I'm gonna get burned, and I'm not even fully aware of that possibility. Bayangin! Ugh. I really don't want this game to back fire at me. He's gonna get the last laugh and I probably will be the one who suffers. I do hope that he'll be the uninterested kind. Gawd, I hope so, or else we're both screwed. Mmm Gurl.. On the other hand, my father told me to act like a grown woman yesterday. And my mom told me I act like a little kid. Both said with smiles. Regardless, I'd like to keep my actions the way they are. I mean, if I can get away with looking like a 17 year old, then I can get a little break for acting like a 17 year old. This face ain't gonna last me a life ti...

Is this the beginning of a new rant? I sure hope not. But I gotta be honest with you, today didn't turn out as I expected. I got stuck in my house, no chance of going out to hike, despite it being a holiday. I can't believe I'm shedding tears over nature, over a flipping hike around a stupid tea plantation. Deep in my core I am screaming in anger, that Jakarta isn't like Seattle. That I can't have a proper quiet time in a coffee shop, or I can't walk and just zone out, or ride the bus and look out to the washington lake or the olympic peninsula. I'm so frustrated, so pushed to the wall that I get so weak, I can't do anything about it. Going to the gym, and exercising helps with maintaining a less agitated mood. But one day I'm about to explode. I am not willing to get to that day anytime soon. God help me.

Today I had the rare experience to quietly sit in a coffee shop, read a good book and enjoy some quality thinking time. The Visionering book given to me at Catalyst Conference was finally reaching its last chapters. I've been very cautious about reading each chapters because I do not want to get in on a "vision" based on rash judgement. But being in Jakarta made me aware of how important is leading a life purposefully, driven by a God given vision. I can say that mine is still quite on the abstract, obvious side. See, last year Rob asked me the question, and I can only come up with "I want to help people." How do I plan on doing that was still quite gray. This year, the same question pops up around the second month of working at church. Not from anyone, but from myself. I asked if this is it. Serving at church as a job. While my mother said that I could've done so much more, I know God has a plan to prepare me for greatness through the role I'm current...

Moments like these are priceless. Yes, it's not fun to get a sudden stretch in the stomach the moment I think of all the things I had to accomplish tomorrow, or a tiny gag from the short whatsapp tease I had this morning. It's priceless because I will get to look back at today and gratefully smile for all the lessons I had to painfully endure. Lessons on how to persevere through writer's block, lessons on keeping my head up, lessons on sticking to my gut, and lessons on replying to a flirtatious joke. Tomorrow will be a new day, I know. But the acid in my stomach made me feel like it won't be all sunshine tomorrow. That, or I'm incredibly pessimistic. I just realized, that I actually have the choice of taking the weekend off, or go a mile extra and work on sunday (then maybe lose my cool on wednesday). I'd choose the first. Yes, my sanity comes first. Here's to all the work waiting for me till January the 10th: a clink to the empty air with an imaginary ...

Shut up. I'm short fused, and sleep deprived. So, let me rant, let me mistreat some people that I love, miss a skype phone call, skip toner and moisturizer, and write a rant on my blog. Why do I have to work on Saturday? Oh yes, because I love my job, the people I work with, and I love helping people in need. Listen, there's no sarcasm in the previous sentence. or in that one. Now let me add in some rest into this panda eyed face, and return to my normal sugar sweetness tomorrow. For fuck's sake, I need a break from this ruined city. I hate traffic jam, I hate the view, I hate a lot of things. Damn it. Get me out of this city!!! That's it. That was my rant. Good night. I'm hitting the sheets.

When work and heart collides, that's a thing to be aware of. Work runs for profit. Heart runs for righteousness. Where do I have to stand now, when all I hear is the crookedness of the work that the heart started. I am both confused and torn. I can only look up, and somehow believe that God is using us for His glory.

Face it, gokil abis title gua, bro. Parah nga sih, kalau gua bilang bahwa gua nga tau hidup ini mau gua bawa kemana? Layaknya mencari cinta, hati yang satu ini tidak bisa menentuka pilihan - karena dia nga pernah membuat pilihan itu ada. Kalau dalam masalah cinta, pada saat ada pilihan, dan hatinya berkata tidak, perempuan ini akan dengan sigap dan tangkas akan pergi menjauh dari si lelaki yang tak diingini. Namun dalam hal pekerjaan, si perempuan tidak tahu harus bersikap apa. Masa ditolak, setelah berbulan-bulan nga dapet gaji tetap? Yang bikin perempuan ini marah adalah pertanyaan sang ibunda (yang sangat dikasihi) tentang, "Apa alasanmu untuk decline this offer?" Karena, perempuan ini sudah menghabiskan waktu 3 hari 2 malam, untuk menenangkan diri demi mau melangkah maju untuk menerima "pinangan" yang sebenarnya masih diragukan juga. Saat pertanyaan seperti itu dilontarkan, jelas si perempuan merasa, pilihannya untuk menelan pil pahit seakan-akan tidak ada a...

There's this thing that i've noticed being predominantly used in Indonesian text. Not formally, only colloquially. It is the "...?" used after a question, rather than a direct question mark. I assume that it is used to soften the tone of the question. You know, for politeness sake. For example, "Are you alright...?" seems to sound softer in comparison to the straight forward, "Are you alright?" That hesitant pause before the question mark gives a less threatening air, as if it gives you more space to let out an honest answer. I don't get it. Or do I...?

-- Now, for another topic away from myself.. I was browsing though Hendra Gunawan's paintings online when I spotted something that isn't quite the colorful, flowy figured women of Hendra. The image was mostly black with confident strokes of highlights making up harsh lighted forms of 3 surgeons, surrounded by a number of nuns and scholarly men (if not the parliament) focused on a man's laid body. I thought to myself, I've never seen something so contemporary, so striking, and so filled with multinational references, coming out of an Indonesian artist -- even when this was my first time trying to look up indonesian art. So, there I was, intrigued by a new complex name; Ariadhitya Pramuhendra. What a javanese, arian name, I thought to myself. As further research shows, this guy graduated from ITB's printmaking major in 2007. A 29 year old young artist with a global caliber. Honored with "Artist of the Year- 2011" by  Soemardja Art Award , an honorable me...

It's been 3 weeks since I first stepped back on the motherland. I had some time to adjust to its damp climate, reccaliberate my body clock to the hours, and regained my local speaking abilities. It felt rather comfortable here in Jakarta. My life doesn't rest on my tiny, fragile shoulders alone - rather shared among the family. I could relax a bit more out here. Let go of the constant caution or alertness I have in the 206. It's the fending for myself mentality, I guess, that wears off there. Despite the similar responsibility of getting a job, and eventually succeeding in life, I feel saver here. Or, I can feel a bigger opportunity awaits me, here. I can't tell. But it's been 3 weeks, and it's been good.

Starting to pack. Obviously, the rain does not help, nor the Jack Johnson playing in the background. Wish me luck, I've shed enough tears pre-packing, today.

About 15 minutes ago I started writing for my fiction blog again. I found an oldie that doesn't belong in a fiction blog. I wrote it in 11/23/11 at 12:12 AM, when I was struggling with the passing of my beloved Grandmother, Oma Mia. So, without the mask of "fiction writing," I decided to post this to share to everyone on how I felt back then. This is about coming to terms with loss, and to letting go of sorrow. I didn't have much time to think when the truck hits you fast, you couldn't even blink the d would still be in process while spelling god the other end of the line wanted me to speak to be strong for the sad but encouragement was much needed vice versa i had time to think about this, now about loss and distances i didn't have a proper space to mourn not a soul to tell my sadness to not even talking to live video feed could help me with that i don't know how long my mother took to let go and let live seven months were clearly not enou...

2 Lines that's my limit. 2 lines of sentences, of words, of wonderings, 2 lines of questions that lambasted my integrity, or my well-meant actions. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your two lines. It makes me wonder if we haven't clear some things out. Haven't we? What hard feelings do I hold against you? Cause I don't want to have any buttons on me. Especially not the pissy button you so easily pressed with your two lines. I hope you will just call me the next time you want to have a conversation or get some clarification from me. Cause your 2 lines, when I read them, are annoying at best. Ok. Curcol pasif-agresif selesai. Nampaknya gua makin transparan di blog ini. Selamat buat gua. On a lighter note, now I know 2 drinks that I won't drink again: Bloody Marry and Margarita. Yeap, disgusting craps.

I've went through maybe 6-8 blogs through out the course of my life. This by far is my most written, and longest blog i've kept. God knows all the things I've put in here. It's kinda the place where you can read through my though process, take a glimpse of what has caught my interests lately. All in all, this is a good zone. A great joe zone. I can't tell you what's going to happen in the next 30 days. I know where I'll be, but I won't know what I will be feeling and what I will care or not care about. But today, I cared about watching Breaking Bad. I am stressed out on closing my projects (a couple video projects, an app design project, a church ministry thing), I'm at loss with my packing for Indo (haven't even started), love life is a big zero (let's just put it out there), I have got no clue on career or anything like that. Imagine looking back to my life later on 10 years from now- what would I say? I imagine saying, "that w...

Jujur, gua punya satu kelemahan yang bisa jadi pembunuh hidup gua. Tempat Tidur. Asli, nga pandang besar-kecilnya, atau keras-empuknya, tempat tidur tuh tempat gua berbuat onar. Alasan males ke sekolah pas kuliah, alasan malas keluar pas liburan, alasan nga makan pas laper. Susahnya lagi, kalau gua ulet2an stay in bed for another 2 hours, pikiran gua bakal melayang dan tubuh gua pun suka ikut melayang. Bayangin ada di dunia peri selama 2 jam: nga bonafit banget. Emang disiplin gua super kecil. Keterlaluan kecilnya, lebih kecil dari remahan roti bakar yang jatuh dari mulut orang obesitas. Kemarin gua berhasil keluar dari tempat tidur sebelum kicauan burung-burung mulai mengelilingi pikiran gua. Hasilnya, hari yang lumayan produktif. Sempet kerja, sempet jalan2, sempet pergi First Thursday Art Walk. Hari ini, lain ceritanya. Mendung2 jam 12, gua bangun dari tidur yang baru mulai 6 jam sebelumnya. Satu jam pertama ulet2 taik ayam, jam ke dua lebah2 mulai menyengat, jam ke 3 gua l...

So, word is out that I'm going home. There are a lot of questions of "why" and lots of "don't go's". But today at CG, Mr.B said "jo, gua ngerasa kaya kehilangan kakak cewe gitu.. nga keliatan sih, tp deep down inside." I don't care if that's a joke or whatever, huaaaaaa gua bakal QT sama dia fo sho. >___< I'll miss my kids.

Gw lagi mikirin lagi sebuah ide yg gua dapet pas tahun ke-3 di kuliah. Tentang anak muda Indo, tentang politik, tentang presidental voting. If I wanna get serious in this, I better start doing my research and getting acquainted again with my country. Is this it, or just do it?