JOE IS DYING

There are many little heart cracks that leads to a break up. It's hardly ever about 1 big thing -- though sometimes it could stem from the same root cause creating an obvious pattern of behavior -- but I digress. One of the first instances of my heart 'crack' was when I shared how important is knowing, feeling, and processing emotions for me.  I'm the stereotypical eldest daughter who felt like it was her responsibility to hold the family down. There was a number of emotional turmoils that were happening when I grew up -- things that feels humungous for a kid to process on her own. But my parents were both working and I saw how tired they would be even on the weekends. I didn't want to add to the stress, so I kept things as steady as possible. My interests were positively channeled, my academic challenges tackled, my energy were well-spent. Soon enough my 10 year old schedule was just as packed as my parents'. Emotions were at the back of my mind. Productivity a...

Sudah 4 bulan semenjak putus dari pacar jepang. Kalo gue cerita ke diri gue di umur 13 tahun, dia bakal seneng banget kali bisa punya pacar dari negara Salad Days. Sayangnya, Sayur-san nggak suka makan, sukanya kerja, nggak bisa ngobrol, bisanya ngedumel, nggak terbuka, jagonya berasumsi, dan nggak bisa menunggu, maunya nikah bulan sekian titik. Kalo kata adik, selama 5 bulan itu gue kayak badan doang ga ada jiwanya. Jadi setelah 5 bulan bersama, gue minta putus, tiga kali -- nangis kejer di Juli, logis legowo di Agustus, dan dengan yakin nan sakit di September. Dulu setiap kali kita balikan Sayur-san bakal bilang, "one day I will give up." Gila ya, baru juga dikasih kesempatan kedua, udah diancem aja gue. Tapi ya namanya juga bodoh dan penuh harapan, kata-kata itu terdengar sebagai informasi saja dari pria yang sakit hati. Si empath solution-finder kayak gue, berusaha ganti approach, benerin pola pikir sendiri, perbaiki komunikasi, lebih hati-hati saat ngomong. Tetep aja zon...

Hot damn. It's 2025 and I'm writing on this blog again. Nothing big has changed since the last time you heard from me. Still a writer, still on jobs, still living with the parents, in Jakarta, with very little money saved. What have changed is a heart more acquainted with grief and a more sober look at life. This could be a good thing. It means that I am more grounded and realistic. But, I've also lost the energy to dream nor to planning forward. All I pray for is stability. Damned stability. Like that wasn't the very first thing I bid farewell to when I decided to pursue the arts. Shows my age, huh? I'm losing my spunk and yearning for naps.  It's apparent now why singers have restaurants and random businesses running in the background. This life in the entertainment and creative industry is very much a "here today gone tomorrow" cycle. Relevancy is everything and productivity move people forward. If they stop creating, stop being on screen, stop bein...