JOE IS DYING

2017 Zamannya manusia semakin terkoneksi, tapi hubungan semakin gila. Komunikasi semakin mudah, namun seni mendengar tak terdengar. Baru kali ini gue ngeliat kaum mayoritas protes besar-besaran minta yang minoritas keluar. Baru kali ini gue liat presiden nyulut perang nuklir di twitter. Baru kali ini gue liat sumbu pendek calon-calon gubernur disiarkan di televisi. Setiap baca berita gue seperti meniti tali antara panik dan nggak percaya, antara mau marah dan mau ketawa. Nggak ingin jatuh ke jurang, tapi jantungan maju ke depan. Gue kira tahun 2016 itu gila. Nggak, 2017 jauh lebih heboh. 2018 Mungkin kita sudah terbiasa dengan kisruhnya dunia. Perang di negara lain dan perang di twitter terasa sama pentingnya. Perang untuk ketenangan batin jadi lebih terdengar. Kemarin ada teman yang curhat tentang depresinya, aku sendiri suka sesak nafas mikirin masa depan. Merasa sehat nggak lagi soal kadar gula dan berat badan, tapi juga kualitas hati dan pikiran. Apa yang akan kamu lakukan ...

It is like I couldn't breathe. Like my lungs had decided to take in a fifth of what it is usually able to process. Like the dark clouds hovering over my head, I felt like mourning. The colors of the sun lit sky does not matter today. I see blue and black all around. It is fear, I know. I am familiar with its soft grip upon my future. Its hushing commentary to my past. I am familiar with it because I still remember the same heaviness from three years ago when I had to leave a town devoid of choice. I remember it because it was the first time that joy felt like a dusty dry rose left forgotten in the cold corner of a room. A touch will shed it to crippled petals on the floor. When I left the town, I thought that I will have a better chance of restarting clean. An open road that will take me anywhere. Being a self professed optimist, I did not think that a simple location change will affect the course of my life, but it did. I gave up the pursuit of passion and let peopl...

Sangat menyebalkan, detik-detik seperti ini. Saat jantung berpacu cepat walau hati mendambakan ketenangan. Seperti bertapa sambil membuka kartu di atas meja poker. Padahal hujan harusnya merendahkan tensi. Kenyataannya, peperangan batin lebih berisik dari deru mobil membelah kubangan air. Mungkin aku terlalu lama berjuang sendiri. Terlalu arogan tak mau meminta bantuan. Hanya kuat tertawa dan mengabaikan kondisi. Ah, apalah aku ini, kalau nggak dikasihani yang maha esa. Ada saatnya Si Sanguine terkapar diatas lantai dingin. Memandang langit-langit kantor, membayangkan awan. Nampaknya Butuh Pembalut

Jam 2.22 disini. Di dapur opa yang tertinggal jaman mungkin 30-40 tahun yang lalu. Mencoba menulis sesuatu tentang makanan, sambil mencoba nge-blok makian ke diri sendiri. Oh no, bendungan retak, airnya keluar, dan... dan meledak! Who the hell do I think I am? I want to be a writer? That's the craziest, out of the ordinary statement/idea/imagination ever. How in the world will anyone ever want to pay me for sentences that jumps, words too stoic, shallow breadth of emotion? Some people say you're the worse critique to yourself, I say I am being realistic. You know, the problem is not that I don't trust myself (despite the flood of insecure questions i've written so perfectly on the previous paragraph). The problem is that I am impatient. I cannot sit down and focus on one thing, and pushed on when the mood isn't setting. I'm an undisciplined little girl who's been marked a 24 year old with much talent, but zero ambition. Ambition: like an arrogant and p...

Seharusnya Natal menjadi salah satu hari yang paling ditunggu-tunggu (setelah hari kawinan yang ada open bar). Tapi beberapa tahun belakangan ini, gue kesel dikejar hari Natal. Natal bukan lagi malam yang dinikmati di gereja bersama keluarga, atau teman-teman sekota. Kini Natal adalah waktu semua pekerjaan due, semua pressure menumpuk, dan semua amarah mengumpul di ubun-ubun. Sedih nggak, sih? Seharusnya hari ini adalah hari penuh kebahagiaan. The day Jesus was born! Tapi, gue bakal ada di ujung ruangan kebaktian, kurang tidur dan lelah, berdoa agar sehabis acara ini selesai, belum ada team member gue yang sakit, tepar dan ngirimin surat resign. Ini bukan hidup yang gue bayangkan. Bukan juga gaya Natal yang mau gue lihat 4 tahun mendatang. Natal kaya gini itu ibaratnya kaya dipeluk sama orang yang bau ketek. Seharusnya enak, tapi lo nggak bisa nikmatin. Nggak dengan tutup mata, nggak dengan tutup hidung. Akhirnya, berlarilah gue ke facebook. Gue liat ulang foto-foto jaman bah...

Tadi malem -- sambil badan yang lagi re-winding, dan re-charging -- gua mimpi. Ada seseorang bertanya ke gua tentang phobia. Dia mempertanyakan ini ke orang-orang disekitar gua. Kita berdiri deket-deketan, saling menyentuh punggung seakan kita di photobooth yang kecil. Beberapa bilang uler, ada yang bilang ketinggian. Ditengah-tengah itu, ada yang nyeletuk tentang burung dan gua dengan serunya ikut nyerocos tentang burung dan ayam dan semua unggas yang bikin gua bergidik. Orang ini obviously ngak percaya sama gua. Di saat itu lah, dari belakang, gua ngerasain ada orang yang jalan mendekati gua. Perut gua mulai muter, karena gua tau orang itu lagi bawa sejenis burung di tangannya. Burungnya kecil, sebenernya gua ngak perlu takut. Tapi apa daya, kaki gua mulai melemah. Bulu rhoma di punggung gua udah berdiri semua, menjalar naik dari pundak ke tengkuk belakang. Siapa sih nih orang yang dengan sengaja nakut-nakutin gua! Sejenak gua kesal ke dia, mencoba untuk mengumpulkan sege...

A friend just got preggers. No scratch that, a friend just gave birth. A friend is a mom. Same age friend is a mom. I am amazed.. and shocked. Did I tell you she got married last month? Or at least her wedding facebook pics just went up in november. I hope it's just tardy uploads. On a lighter, more noteworthy, note.. See that. Look at the second man in red . L o o k at him. IT'S COACH AND HE'S BACK!!!!! * Roll on the floor, scream and run across the hall, jump for joy, all hail NEW GIRL!!*

I know, I know. As bad as this might sound, I am playing with fire. I won't tell you what kind of fire I'm starting up, but I know it's not going to lead me to a good place. The fire is the warm and mischievous kind, the one that makes you smile and play along. One day I'm gonna get burned, and I'm not even fully aware of that possibility. Bayangin! Ugh. I really don't want this game to back fire at me. He's gonna get the last laugh and I probably will be the one who suffers. I do hope that he'll be the uninterested kind. Gawd, I hope so, or else we're both screwed. Mmm Gurl.. On the other hand, my father told me to act like a grown woman yesterday. And my mom told me I act like a little kid. Both said with smiles. Regardless, I'd like to keep my actions the way they are. I mean, if I can get away with looking like a 17 year old, then I can get a little break for acting like a 17 year old. This face ain't gonna last me a life ti...

Is this the beginning of a new rant? I sure hope not. But I gotta be honest with you, today didn't turn out as I expected. I got stuck in my house, no chance of going out to hike, despite it being a holiday. I can't believe I'm shedding tears over nature, over a flipping hike around a stupid tea plantation. Deep in my core I am screaming in anger, that Jakarta isn't like Seattle. That I can't have a proper quiet time in a coffee shop, or I can't walk and just zone out, or ride the bus and look out to the washington lake or the olympic peninsula. I'm so frustrated, so pushed to the wall that I get so weak, I can't do anything about it. Going to the gym, and exercising helps with maintaining a less agitated mood. But one day I'm about to explode. I am not willing to get to that day anytime soon. God help me.

Moments like these are priceless. Yes, it's not fun to get a sudden stretch in the stomach the moment I think of all the things I had to accomplish tomorrow, or a tiny gag from the short whatsapp tease I had this morning. It's priceless because I will get to look back at today and gratefully smile for all the lessons I had to painfully endure. Lessons on how to persevere through writer's block, lessons on keeping my head up, lessons on sticking to my gut, and lessons on replying to a flirtatious joke. Tomorrow will be a new day, I know. But the acid in my stomach made me feel like it won't be all sunshine tomorrow. That, or I'm incredibly pessimistic. I just realized, that I actually have the choice of taking the weekend off, or go a mile extra and work on sunday (then maybe lose my cool on wednesday). I'd choose the first. Yes, my sanity comes first. Here's to all the work waiting for me till January the 10th: a clink to the empty air with an imaginary ...

Shut up. I'm short fused, and sleep deprived. So, let me rant, let me mistreat some people that I love, miss a skype phone call, skip toner and moisturizer, and write a rant on my blog. Why do I have to work on Saturday? Oh yes, because I love my job, the people I work with, and I love helping people in need. Listen, there's no sarcasm in the previous sentence. or in that one. Now let me add in some rest into this panda eyed face, and return to my normal sugar sweetness tomorrow. For fuck's sake, I need a break from this ruined city. I hate traffic jam, I hate the view, I hate a lot of things. Damn it. Get me out of this city!!! That's it. That was my rant. Good night. I'm hitting the sheets.

When work and heart collides, that's a thing to be aware of. Work runs for profit. Heart runs for righteousness. Where do I have to stand now, when all I hear is the crookedness of the work that the heart started. I am both confused and torn. I can only look up, and somehow believe that God is using us for His glory.

2 Lines that's my limit. 2 lines of sentences, of words, of wonderings, 2 lines of questions that lambasted my integrity, or my well-meant actions. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your two lines. It makes me wonder if we haven't clear some things out. Haven't we? What hard feelings do I hold against you? Cause I don't want to have any buttons on me. Especially not the pissy button you so easily pressed with your two lines. I hope you will just call me the next time you want to have a conversation or get some clarification from me. Cause your 2 lines, when I read them, are annoying at best. Ok. Curcol pasif-agresif selesai. Nampaknya gua makin transparan di blog ini. Selamat buat gua. On a lighter note, now I know 2 drinks that I won't drink again: Bloody Marry and Margarita. Yeap, disgusting craps.