Kenapa sih harus nyeni banget jadi orang

Hot damn. It's 2025 and I'm writing on this blog again. Nothing big has changed since the last time you heard from me. Still a writer, still on jobs, still living with the parents, in Jakarta, with very little money saved.

What have changed is a heart more acquainted with grief and a more sober look at life. This could be a good thing. It means that I am more grounded and realistic. But, I've also lost the energy to dream nor to planning forward. All I pray for is stability. Damned stability. Like that wasn't the very first thing I bid farewell to when I decided to pursue the arts.

Shows my age, huh? I'm losing my spunk and yearning for naps. 

It's apparent now why singers have restaurants and random businesses running in the background. This life in the entertainment and creative industry is very much a "here today gone tomorrow" cycle. Relevancy is everything and productivity move people forward. If they stop creating, stop being on screen, stop being talked about... They lose their place in that world.

When I last hung out with my high school friends, they mentioned how proud they are of seeing me still developing my craft, still in the arts. It's certainly a privilege, but honestly I don't think I could keep this stamina working elsewhere. But I was also struck with a realization that yes, most of the art kids I knew in high school has left the arts, chose another business sector, and built a family. The ones who remained are single and struggling.

Maybe I should've kept some of my side jobs -- graphic design, videography, photography. Yet, I know I wouldn't have this career if I had divided my focus with other things. It all goes back to choice, I guess.

I am grateful for the run I've had so far. Almost 10 years now. I really shouldn't be comparing my path with others. But ugh, I do compare. I was so ready to leave my career to build a family, yet the guy was not the one. So back to the work I go.

What I know now is that I yearn for new things to craft and dive into; voiceover, clay, maybe music. But my voice has been cracking here and there. Possibly overuse, possibly a consistent lack of rest. I also miss swimming and being active.

It's time to make some new choices. We have the time (not quite the funds), but we can start somewhere. 

Yah, ditelaah dulu lalu dijalanin lah ya. Gue rasa, akan sulit buat ketemu orang-orang yang tepat kalo aku nggak melakukan hal yang memang bikin aku bersinar.

Sigh. Let's just go.