i am completely exhausted

train station in Jogjakarta - stasiun kereta di jogja. jamnya vintage gila <3!

i found myself sighing continuously and working off my brows till they are tired as hell (and cant get back to their normal frame like position). and guess what made me so tired both spiritually, physically and more emotionally - yeah, school. ternyata lebih enak sekolah dan nggak memikirkan uang dari pada tidak sekolah tapi memikirkan uang. ya seperti gue sekarang ini. lelah lelah lelah.

tiga hari yang lalu, tepatnya hari jumat gue merasakan titik jatuh dunia gue. hari selasa-nya, gue kehilangan anting gue. ini nampaknya karma karena gue pernah ngetawain hari disaat ia kehilangan antingnya. Gue bilang "klo anting itu punya elu, ya pasti balik. sekarang pertanyaannya; elu nyolong apa kagak, fer?" gue yakin ferna marah sama gue waktu baca tulisan gue di cbox-nya. tapi nyatanya dia hanya menampar gue dari jauh dengan tulisan "*plak!*" dan hal itu cuma gue senyumin karena... well, cant really feel the pain, cant i? Yah, gue sempet down banget waktu gue kehilangan anting pemberian kedua orang tua gue itu, padahal baru dikasih awal tahun ini. better yet, the way that i lost the earring is simply similar to how i lost mine at year 11. gue sama2 mengatakan "oh, my god!" when i found out that the dang thing is gone dan gue sama2 kehilangan anting di telinga sebelah kanan. hari hilangnya anting itu, gue bener2 kandas secara emotional. gue cari dua hari di rumah, di rumah oma gue, di kantor nyokap sama di kolah berenang. nggak ketemu2. di hari jumat malam, gue relakan anting itu pergi.


Another slap to reality happened on Thursday. i had a letter from Cornish saying that i need to attend class registration on june or july. but before that i need to send a financial statement of US$35,000 of which my oh-so-wise-sister said, "but we dont have any." i said a lot of things to god that night when i shower. but right now, right when im writing this, i cant do anything but sigh "oh lord," that's the only thing i could manage to do. on Friday night, i said "enough is enough! to be or NOT to be! saya tidak mau mati suri di taman!". i prayed for happiness and revival that only god can provide to my poor soul. He gave it to me almost instantly, i sang, i prayed, i worshiped, i cried and i danced to the rhythm of Hillsong. I sang "so wont you break free, wont you break free, get up and dance in his love!!!"

sekarang gue dapet email lagi dari cornish, dia bilang financial statementnya bisa dapet dari beberapa bank dan dari family support di US. mungkin ini ulahnya si jahat, bukannya lega gue malah parno. the day is getting closer and i haven't got my financial statement, yet. tapi nyokap gue bilang, "kamu nggak melihat itu sebagai jalan keluar dari tuhan, han?" dan gue bilang yakin "percaya." and that works. that words that came out of my mouth. yes, it is a way out and ablessing from the lord.

so i sing "i stand with arms high, and heart abandon. in awe of the one who gave it all. i stand, my soul to you lord surrender. all i am i yours...."