check point#1

joe and mon2 pas latihan drama. satu komen bikin gue sebel. let it out, ngak boleh bitter.

i go by a lot of names. there are times when people call me Hanna, times when they call me Jo, Bjo, Jox, Joe (say the "e" like "egg"). i especially save the name "hanna" just for people that is really, really close to me - my family. none of my friends call me by that name. except for Ogi and Bimo and their parents, probably because the know me since we're babies. and they are used to call me by that name. but i always told them to call me "jo".

why, you might ask.
it is because johanna is so scared of being vulnerable. as straight forward, careless and insensitive as i can be, johanna is extremely porcelain fragile in the inside. she have not let anyone gets inside her heart except to God and four people- Mami, Papi, Jo, and Jovi. sorry, you guys. you're in my heart, but not in the core. you know what i mean... that's why it's so hard for me to get a best friend. in a sense that people of the world view a best friend, i could never find one, let alone let them mendle inside my heart and be one of my top priorities. johanna the cold girl? naah, she's not. she's just extremely cautious when it comes to the heart.

"hanna" is one softy name for me. but what's more vulnerable is "kak hanna". that's how i call myself. that's the name i used as the first person when i pray. the name called by my brother and my sister for me. my mom and dad used to call me that, but as i get older, they don't see the use of saying my age-degree. but the name has a special meaning for me. it sounds so, so close and everytime i talk to god, that's one name i call myself. god would call me "hanna" and despite the "kak" in front of it (which means older sibling), i didn't feel higher or older or wiser than god. i felt like god is calling me a family of his and that i'm so, so, close to him.

why am i writting this? i dont know. i guess im just in love... :)

(the smiley looks really happy. im more joyful and at peace despite the waves and thunders around me, than being plain "happy")



kak hanna sayang tuhan. banget, banget. and it took me a long time to put god completely inside my heart. trust me. i took a lot of tears on my end.