Gua baru selesai baca Sarah's Key. A beautiful book written by Tatiana de Rosnay. Set in present time and WW2 france. I was deeply carried by the story, moved to anger and tears. A strong theme of collective memories, history and their connection to one's identity. Sounds like one of my thesis ideas, huh?
Reading through Sarah's Key, i couldn't stray away from these ideas:
- "divorce" is getting so... casual, unsurprising, light.
- getting old is scary. partly the jarring and sudden change (from first person pov)
- passing down memories are important to keep you grounded to who you are
I cried reading the book, because i remembered my grandparents and the conversations we could have had, if i had known the importance of conversations. Now i had lost 2 of them, and i don't want to lose the other 4 (opung, opa pede, oma dee, opa dan). Really, i want to talk to them. I want to listen to their stories, laugh and cry with them. I want them to share their stories, i don't want any 'secrets' left unsaid and burdening them even in their old days. Now all of them are old, tired and occasionally, if not continuously, battling old aging body, ill. I'm losing time.
Then, on the other hand, i fear my parents getting old. Them becoming grandparents and i, a parent. I want my kids to know them like i know them. I want my kids to love them the way my parents are to be loved. I love my family so much (tears swelling up in here), i really want to be with them right now. I have so many questions, and yet i don't know where to start. I want, really, really, really, want to talk especcialy to my grandfather. to Opa Pede. He just lost his wife, and i know that's a huge part of him. Now i know, getting older, the attachment you can get from loving someone. That a relationship shared in marriage, for a long-long time, through all hardships and beautiful times, is so seeped into you, it becomes your identity. Thus, losing half of the part that makes such an identity, is rough. I always wonder how Opa is doing. I asked my dad, always, and he said my grandpa is doing fine. Is he? God, i want to hug him.
This blog has turned into part of my thought process. I just cried, a huge one, for some time. I guess, i know now that i have not processed through the death of my grandmother at all. I mean, it really does comes with much pain and loss. It is un-surprising, yet sudden all the same. I understand now, the point of having funerals. Of having people coming together, remembering, being there for each other to cope with. to have someone who knows the dead, to hug you and say "i know, baby, i love her too." Since the death of Oma, there has been two deaths. Uncle Jack (whose funeral video i'm rendering right now) and Jon Gierlich (my foundations teacher). Terus, before theirs, Pak Anton (security guard kumon's indo's headquarter), trus ada salah satu guru OR di loren. Kaya, orang2 yang i spend time conversing with. Mungkin orang kira, you're mourning for a security guard's death? Hey, i'm close to him, ok! Gua sering ngobrol sama dia, dan dia sering banget ngejagain gua nunggu nyokap selesai meeting. Dari SD sampe SMP gua udah kenal dia.
Anyway, this might've turned into one of my longest post. I know, i don't have an exact conclusion to this. But the book has helped me untangle some of these thoughts that i had ligering un-spelled out. What a treasure. I recommended the book, and i wish i could've written a better review. But hell, this is my blog, i write whatever i want. hahahaaaa. no disregard to you non-existent readers (or so i would like to think). Btw, at one point of my crying session (the end part) one of my housemate walked out of her room. Good thing my cry was on decresendo. I'm not a 1 hour crier kind of person. Can you believe it, when i cry, i have this in my head: how long can i keep this up, this is stupid, am i really crying alone because of the book, is this my thought process, this is stupid. although not as clearly spelled out like that, but those phrases was definitely whispered through my "untangling" of thought-emotion connection. I'm glad i did, i can't promise you it's going to be over though.
Alright, now i'm off to brushing my teeth and reading the bible.
If you do get to this sentence, thank you for being a faithful reader. Cherish your older generations. Learn from them and never forget. Zakhor. Al Tichkah. (remember, never forget)