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Blast from the past

By  johanna wattimena     2:38 PM    Labels: 
About 15 minutes ago I started writing for my fiction blog again. I found an oldie that doesn't belong in a fiction blog. I wrote it in 11/23/11 at 12:12 AM, when I was struggling with the passing of my beloved Grandmother, Oma Mia. So, without the mask of "fiction writing," I decided to post this to share to everyone on how I felt back then. This is about coming to terms with loss, and to letting go of sorrow.

I didn't have much time to think
when the truck hits you fast, you couldn't even blink
the d would still be in process while spelling god
the other end of the line wanted me to speak
to be strong for the sad
but encouragement was much needed vice versa
i had time to think about this, now
about loss and distances
i didn't have a proper space to mourn
not a soul to tell my sadness to
not even talking to live video feed could help me with that
i don't know how long my mother took
to let go and let live
seven months were clearly not enough for me
i had the sadness in the back of my mind

when water gets in your eyes
imagine you're seeing through a kaleidoscope
all these colors seeping through reality
fragmented pieces of information
mixed up with feelings and
pounding heart beats
at that moment i didn't let myself cry
i had lunch with stego and jessica
my last lunch with jessica before she went to LA
that lunch was hilarious
i didn't mourn until one or two weeks after that

i don't know if it were a bunch of things happening so rapidly at the same time
changes maybe
changes that was shocking
changes that i didn't see coming
it is possibly the many many things that has kept me really quiet in 2011
i can't believe it is almost the end of the year
i can't believe the year is almost gone
i can't think about what i will be in 5 years time
i don't even know what i will do in 1 year
but god says, don't worry
for tomorrow has its own struggles
for tomorrow will take care of itself
for tomorrow is the hope for today

Today, I remembered Oma, and my other 2 grandparents that followed her death. I remembered how much she loves, and how much I have yet to learn to love. I cannot imagine going to their grave in a month, each with their own set of memories and their own warm-dusty space in my heart. I am still in tears writing this, 2 years after that little prose I wrote. I guess it's takes more than 2 years to let go. I hope my coming back to Indonesia will give the much needed sense of closure to this hole in my soul.

About johanna wattimena

An explorer driven by curiosity. This blog is one of the longest commitment she manage to keep.