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I was once for this

By  johanna wattimena     1:26 AM     

It's been a while since I had a quiet saturday such as today. I spent almost half of it asleep, the other half watching TV with my parents, and the tiny percentage left, I spent it crying.

Sometimes I wished that doing what I'm doing would be easier than this, or to make it worth while, let the work produce some sort of a fulfillment, a sense of pride maybe? But the work that I'm doing gives me none of that. They are unworthy of being in my portfolio. Some are just worthless crap decorated with christian bow tie wrapped around it. Honestly, I heard bits of good reviews on the work, but I don't think it means anything. No lives changed, no minds opened. This stuff I do is ending up as turds. And to make it clear as daylight to me, my big boss thinks similarly of my work, and he made it very clear every time we meet. Not very encouraging, if you think about it.

In one hand, I would gladly leave my spot, and do work that I could proudly stand behind. On the other hand, I'm breaking my promise that I would stay the year and serve in this capacity. I've promised to leave behind my wonderings about wether this is the job God wants for me, it's out of the question, I know that He's got something in store for me. I completely believe in that, that's why I'm staying. It's just hard to know what that "good lesson" supposed to look like from here.

You know, the hardest part of this job is that when I feel like a failure, I don't just feel like I've let my boss down, but I also feel like I've let God down. That makes it really hard to pray, to meet and talk to God, cause I have even less to give Him than when I was without a job. Ah, perks of working for a christian company.

Really, what am I doing.

About johanna wattimena

An explorer driven by curiosity. This blog is one of the longest commitment she manage to keep.