JOE IS DYING

I've been eating too much these days. Too much, and not often enough. I would find myself shoving down food for dinner after being left starving for the whole day. Then around 2AM be wide awake because of the hard-working digestive system. Like right now. My bod is not with my brain. My stomach is definitely sagging lower and lower. Why do I have to eat too much.. *rubs belly to the floor*

Listening to B talking about opacity and computers and monitors makes me smile. This guy is one hell of a genius, in a very likable but cynical way. I just wich dia lebih sering mandi (jahat). One of our quotes about good weathers in Seattle: B: I don't know why people like the sun more than the moon. Give the moon some love. J: Well, the moon don't shine. It only reflects the light from the sun. The sun shines. B: The moon shines, the sun blinds!

In less than 2 months, I'll be turning 23. I have not keep an eye out for my birthday since I was 10. Why am I anticipating my turning 23? Partly because a couple of days before that would be the end of my american work permit. I would have a 60 day grace period to pack my bags and leave. So, I fully intend to make my possibly last chapter in Seattle (or America) a good one. Writing "last chapter" feels like a strong closed gate, but it's not. It's just the end of a season in my life. I want to start listing down the things I've learned in this city. If I'm lucky, I'll get to list #23 when I turned 23. So, let's start. 1. Be welcoming. Say "Hi," smile, speak your mind, be funny, get stupid, don't be afraid to show it. Be welcoming to people, and their responds . If there's any culture shock that I've gone through, it would be the friendliness of most Seattleites. I was smiled to by people I don't even know, and it...

When brain is clogged with unhealthy things, make sure to cram in the right stuff. Currently listening to the right stuff . You should too.

Ci ansella hari ini tanya gua, "apa kabar?" And i shook my hands like.. 'comme ci, comme ça'. But she replied, "that's not the answer! Shake it off, girl!" i was surprised at her reply, but soon agreed that i had to stop dwelling in my feelings and let the spirit of god take over. So i shook my body and soon regain the joy. Shake it OFF! Dont quit! Dont whine. Shake it off!

There's this one step you gotta take, the scariest step of all, before moving forward. It is to look backwards, to dig deep into your heart, and see what has happened. This step is as raw as it is crucial.  For me, it was coming to terms with my fears. To see back into my closed/hidden hole, and realize that I had to take myself out of the hole. By that I meant, letting myself be weak and raw before God. Tell Him that I'm broken, and without hope, unless it comes from the higher ups. The rest of the night was wet with tears, and cracks of my broken parts were all over my journal. Then, healing, trust, and re-learnings comes after. Today, I am better. I could apply to jobs with easiness, because I trust in the worth that God gave me (not from my work, nor people's compliments).  Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

I have to say, they were right. My parents. I just got out of 2 meetings for 2 new freelance gigs that I've said yes to. You know I can't say no.. to a lot of things. Much to my surprise, my parents called me an hour after the meeting ends. My mom went through a long speech about focus. My dad about doing everything to stay in the states. Basically they both said to quiet down, don't take the jobs, and just focus on getting the one job. Money is their part. My part is to get the H1. Right now, my head is spinning hard and my heart is beating around. My stomach is in my face, and my face is on my butt. Really. I can't say anything right now. I have to process this before the afternoon ends, and my next appointment begins. Alright, Goodbye.

I gotta say this, I gotta say this before it doesn't seem like a miracle anymore. Pre GC Conference 2013, I was at a rough moment in life. No work for 2 months, no reply to any of my job search, big indecisiveness towards staffing agencies, and a long line of projects held up due to the stress. I was struggling with life long questions "am I good enough?" and "should I have done more?" I was at the end of my wits, trying to balance life+work+church. I saw my no-work period in a brighter light, this way.. it is a chance for me to figure things out at church. With much time freedom (though still with the no-work stress), I got my feet soaked in the video ministry. It was a huge, new thing for me. I mean, there I was, less than a year of experience, and somebody expected me to mentor non-video majors, plus on top of that, manage 2 teams of creatives to do what I usually do with 2 other people at the most. God's great. He showed himself able when I am clearl...

I'm reading this This rant below has nothing to do with my reading. I found the writing to be hopeful and insightful. Go Gen-Y! Now, off to the rant. I get really frustrated with clients asking for faster production, when time is needed to achieve a great end result. Especially, when we do this after the fact that most of us has school and work to do too. The previous sentence is not an excuse, the previous sentence is a given condition. We came to the ministry knowing fully that we'd have to balance work with church (yes, i'm ranting about church stuff). We want to give our best in both, and so the later has to know how far to push before it gets out of bounds. I wanted to keep my team sane. I wanted them to be creatively fulfilled, creatively pushed, but beyond all, creatively fresh. Pushing our limits = minimizing creativity and excellence to reach due dates. and this is NOT my philosophy. I believe, if you want to work with me and my team, you do it right. You ...

I am really getting out of my wits here. Video jobs, where are you? I realize that every time I went job searching, my stress level would immediately increase. Not knowing what I should do, I ran up and down the stairs 10x to get the intense energy out. To no avail, sadly. This fear of not measuring up just kept hitting me in the face. Yesterday I went to GC for a little God Break (by God break i mean, a breathing time with God). I decided that I was just going to 'receive' anything He's going to speak through the preacher that night. And BAM! He was talking about David and his journey to being a king. David was anointed when he was still a young'in.  He waited for years before he finally crowned, that too was with a lot of adversaries coming from all sides. Still, there was a "cause" for all the things that happens in his life. His waiting time prepped him to be a worshipper, his goliath battle prepped him to be a warrior, his time by the king prepped...

We've moved on. Different houses, different schools, different paths of life. Maybe in 5 years time we wont be as updated with each other as today.. but once you found a family, they stay a family forever. Miss you full-house GNH!

Apparently, it is not only in life will we be expected to grow more mature. Spiritually, it is the same case as well. First we were fed, then we learn to eat on our own, before long we'll have to fend for others. Spiritually, I'm seeing the same story line. I was fed, then I eat hard chewed food, then I work to bring "food" for others. Here's where I am conflicted: I don't want to fend for others.. That sounds really bad. But hear me out. I came to a point where my fending for others at church has taken more energy than my fending for myself. I am a recent graduate, and as some might know, we don't earn that much dough. I am currently expecting some calls for an interview (which isn't as easy as it sounds.. but we got to keep the hopes up), while working on 3 side jobs which makes close to nothing financially. On the other hand, I'm balancing 1 full-on media production ministry, a creative team for an event, a mentor-parched student gathering,...

The job search continues. Enol besar, sejauh ini. Now the question stands: Should I go to grad school? Maybe, if I don't get a job. Do I want to go to grad school? Not yet. Truthfully, I know that i will stay in America for some time. It feels like the journey is not over yet. It couldn't be over yet. Where does that feeling comes from? I don't know, just a hunch. Right now I can't see it happening. I did not get any replies from the companies I applied to. Still, I will keep this in my prayers. Fasting from rice starts now..

Nights like these are one of those times when I just have to write something. As my tweet was saying, I am jacked up on tea. Been drinking tea the whole day, with so little amount of water. So, emotions are all balled up inside of me. Unreasonable, unknown emotions. udah lah, gw masi harus buat video buat besok. and i'm kinda like.. kebelet.. jd.. ya. kita hentikan disini dulu ;)

For the last month or so, my heart has been thumping harder than the rest of the year. Mostly due to stress and unknown territories. It is a well known fact that Johanna is a worrier. That's just my nature: to question my readiness and the safety-net of all my actions. However, to dismiss that fact had proven to only lead me into excessive eratic-ness nearing the moment of my "impending" action. Today, thunderstruck. I've been asking the difference between serving God and serving Men. Let me explain.. At church, we're serving both. Of course, God being the first, and the latter; a result of serving the first. Still, what we do when we serve both is exactly the same. Then why do we need to make the distinction? Well, that difference is found in your mind. When I serve God, I should have this in mind: - The God of the universe is behind this activity, because He  intentionally  started this. Therefore, it is my duty to follow His directions and not to take thin...

Some idiot broke into our rental car in San Fran, took my laptop (the whole bag and chargers and my make-up bag and jesslyn's water bottle) and my sister's 7D dslr. I don't know what to say..

Hi from Kabuki Hotel in SF, No pictures here, just words describing my stay so far. You know I've been asking, waiting, wishing and praying for a break. Some time to get out of the house, out of work, routines, out of Seattle, I got it now. It's not as I planned it would be, but it's good enough to de-stress. The month has been crazy. Christmas passed like nothing happened, new years was the same way. It's just been a lot of doing, and not a lot of reflecting. The long awaited break is going on fine. We've been spending days physically "resting." My bro is sick, he spent the day sleeping, watching tv, and playing computer game. When I was at the same state as he was today (I was in LA at the time), I was in my PJs either sleeping, drinking lotso fluids. We didn't do much in Los Angeles, just a little car ride around the city, took pictures with the Hollywood sign, went to a Lakers game, visited IFGF arcadia. Today was our first full day in SF (afte...

Still hasn't apply for work, yet. I was about to when the kids asked me to watch a movie, then I was about to when Retreat was on for the weekend, then I was about to when i got really tired.. Guilty. Yes. Despite all that, I have so many things to say. So much happened during the Retreat week. So much was crammed into my head - in a good way - but it'll take sometime for me to process all that. I am, as few know, is slow with grasping personal feelings and changing perspective. I would write it all in a blog, but I have 3 personal statements to check (friends. i'm not applying to another school until i make some good load of money. haaa). So, with that said, I'm off. ;P

There's just so much internal stuff going on these days. I feel like I can't shut my head off from going "i can do it" to "this is the scariest shit i need to do for myself." If this is the beginning of flipping adulthood, I am hoping it gets better. Do you see where I'm going with this? FML. as in, Freeze My Life. Just for, you know, like, 1 month, lemme figure this out quietly. aw crap.

We are here again, lads and gents, a path of choice. For the last couple of weeks my mind has been filled with "the future". The urgency to make adult decisions is pulling my brows closer to each other by the minute. I can't say it's been fun being an adult, however long it has been. But I can say it's better than being pressured by other adults to be where they think I should be. That's one reason why I'd rather sort this "adulthood" out on my own (with God). Last saturday, Jesslyn broke the news that we'd have to separate ways. Julia, Dania, Devi and I had seen this coming. She's going to live with her family, and we're all for that. I guess it's for the best that the news wasn't only meant for the house's sake, but it's also for our lives. Jesslyn said GNH is our comfort zone. We tend to close one eye to growth when we're already so content with where we're at. So with all the courage Jess can sum, s...